Returning from SEEK in January, I was full of post-conference zeal and dying to completely transform myself in pursuit of a more holy life. I sought out Christ, I reenergized my prayer life, and I vowed to remedy my weaknesses. The greatest of these weaknesses: pride.
I am an achiever. I find incredible joy in setting goals and working tirelessly towards them. I usually have about 10 goals sitting on my horizon, ranging from small to borderline impossible. I am the five-year-plan person. Because of this, and because of the great blessings God has given me, I struggle with humility. I am so thankful for everything that I have been given, but sometimes I forget that my real identity is in Christ and not in a crown, a position, or a job. My friend, who knew my internal struggle, encouraged me to pray the “Litany of Humility.” It was quite a shocker:
O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, Jesus.
That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
What? That others may be chosen, and I set aside? That others may be preferred to me in everything? And the kicker: that others may become holier than I. As a pretty competitive person, this was my worst nightmare. But I knew that in order to truly grow, I had to give it a try.
For the first few days, I prayed through gritted teeth. It was exhausting to pray this with my whole heart when I felt that it was just unbelievable. In fact, it took almost a week before I recognized the beauty of this prayer. I began to see glimmers of Jesus in every word. It wasn’t about being less; it was about giving more. It was about being selfless, like Jesus was and is. It encouraged me to value experiences over achievements. How beautiful, to reorganize one’s priorities and place Christ at the center. The Litany became central to my prayer life.
Months passed, and the Litany was beginning to open my eyes to the beauty of humility. In fact, I felt like I was cured. Hooray! No more pride, no more competitiveness, no more weakness. I felt like a humble hermit, offering up my struggles to God and basking in His glorious sunlight.
A few months later, I applied for a job that I knew I would be perfect for. It was something that I had done previously, and it involved a lot of interaction with people and students. I love talking with people and working to find commonalities and connections, so I was thrilled to get an interview. I went in for the meeting, and walked out feeling on top of the world. I sat back, and waited for the congratulatory call.
It didn’t come. Actually, I got a kindly worded email telling me that I just wasn’t right for the position, that many qualified people had applied, and that they appreciated me taking the time to come in. What? My head swirled- how could they not see how perfect I was for this job? I felt awful- defeated, frustrated, and confused.
When the smoke had cleared, I sent back an email asking to meet with the hiring team. They happily agreed to set up a time to talk. Walking into that room was terrifying- I had to ask God for strength to keep from getting emotional. The meeting was actually wonderful- I got incredible feedback and I was able to truly understand why I hadn’t been chosen for the position. Although rejection hurts, I walked out feeling at peace.
At the end of June, I competed for the title of Miss California. It was a dream come true, something I had been working day and night to prepare for. I practiced my talent for hours on end, I spent early mornings exercising and reviewing current events, and I made sure that my wardrobe would reflect my personality and my values. When I arrived in Fresno I felt unstoppable. I felt like Miss California.
Eight days later, I drove away from the Doubletree Fresno with four of my best friends on our way to brunch. I was not a finalist. I hadn’t received a talent award, or an interview award, or any award for that matter. I was exhausted- worn out, slightly disappointed, and hungry. Unpacking my five suitcases, I wondered where God had been when I was in Fresno. Was he on vacation? I had put my faith in Him, and I had walked away with no accolades.
It was a week later, sitting on a rock in the middle of Lake Tahoe, that everything hit me. I was not the person who returned from SEEK six months earlier. I was stronger. I was more faithful. I was (finally) humbled.
During the months of praying the Litany of Humility, I had never given much thought to how God would answer the prayer. In fact, I was kind of hoping He wouldn’t. I didn’t really want to be humbled. I wanted to feel like I was trying to lose my pride, but I wasn’t ready for the follow-through. When it came, it was so subtle that I hadn’t realized it. God had shown me that I wasn’t always going to get what I wanted. He introduced me to 51 young women who are just as ambitious, talented, educated, and driven as me. He gave me humility. God gave me exactly what I had asked for.
Challenge yourself to grow- find your greatest weakness and face it head on. You might experience loss, or rejection, or frustration, but at the end of it all you will be left with only joy. God is so present- He hears every prayer, and he is working on the perfect answer. Have faith, pray hard, and know that opportunity awaits just around the corner.
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Jane! Decided to scroll back on this older post. Beautifully written. 2 years later, gotta ask you... How have you challenged yourself to grow in this moment? Whatever it might be, remember that and use it to inspire yourself to be a better version of yourself each day. I believe in you and know you will continue to inspire others but also inspire yourself!
ReplyDeleteDavid D.M.