A single act of love brings the soul back to life.
- St. Maximilian Kolbe
I think self-care gets a bad rap.
The term itself conjures up images of bubble baths and pedicures, Ben and Jerry's and a RomCom, silence, and solitude. At least, that's where my mind goes. Feeling overwhelmed? The world encourages us to treat ourselves! Feeling pulled in too many directions? Well-meaning friends might encourage us to cancel on our obligations and just spend quality time on our couches. Instead of leaning into the cause of the stress, we pull away.
I have no doubt that solitude works wonders. Silence is rare and heavenly. Turning off and tuning out can allow you to mute the world in a jiffy. But how sustainable is retreating from the world? And, for those of us (most of us) with responsibilities, commitments, and goals, it can seem almost impossible. Instead of feeling well-rested and ready for the world, this form of self-care can be just a bandaid on the real wounds of our day-to-day lives.
Taking care of ourselves has been recognized as a necessity for centuries. Even Jesus went away to a quiet place after long days of healing and serving. Silence, especially silence in the presence of God, can renew and refresh us. It can fill us with the graces we need to go back out and love others. And that's the key - successful self-care has to be oriented towards the "going back out."
The joys of a bubble bath disappear down the drain when you have to go back into the world and realize that you're in the same place (albeit feeling cleaner). How does that pedicure prepare you for the struggles of work or the challenges of school?
To truly be renewed, our self-care can't be selfish. It has to be others oriented. No, this is not an oxymoron. We can't love others if we don't take care of ourselves, but the impetus for taking care of ourselves is so we can love others better. Feelings of exhaustion, burnout, and overwhelm are part of life. But it's how we deal with them that defines the way they shape us. Will we fall to them, close off and turn inward? Or will they inspire us to reach out, connect with others, and ask for help?
When I'm in need of rest, I can be tempted to cancel plans and turn away from others. The problem is that pulling away from my community is actually the last thing I need. This "self-care" becomes a feedback loop that spirals down. Being alone and turning inward can just increase the noise and confusion, exhaustion and rumination, and frustration that led me to need rest in the first place.
Instead, I've found a few ways to care for myself in a way that turns outward:
1. Make a "Joy List"
Make a list of things that bring you joy. Mine includes taking walks with friends, yoga, adoration, FaceTime, reading in the sunshine, playing guitar, writing in a coffee shop, and baking. When I'm feeling spent, I choose something from my "Joy List" and do it - even if all I want is to lie on the couch and catch up on The Bachelor. Ten times out of ten, I feel better afterward. Our minds trick us into thinking that the "easy thing" (i.e. Bachelor) is going to make us feel better when in reality it can often make us feel more drained and lethargic.
2. Volunteer
When my life gets hectic, service is often the first thing to go. I try to find service opportunities that require a longer-term commitment because that helps me stay accountable. Right now, I'm serving as a coach for a Girls on the Run Team. We meet twice a week, and even though there are days I might rather go straight home after work, it only takes a few minutes for me to remember how much joy these girls bring me. My grandma used to tell me that "we find ourselves by losing ourselves in the service of others" and it's completely true.
3. Speak to your People
I wrote about this last week - the absolute greatest gift in life is having your people. Relationships are incredibly important, especially in seasons that are exhausting and overwhelming and filled with change. In moments of overwhelm, I know I can rely on my people to pick up the phone and love me well. They don't hesitate to remind me of the truth, to make me laugh, and to remind me of how much I am loved. Your people are your best "self-care" - choose them and nurture them well!
Ultimately, the more that we turn inward, the less free we are to receive the love and joy that comes from the people, places, and relationships in our lives. Our greatest joy comes from the moments we get out of our own heads and live presently in the moments of our lives - each one a gift.
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