Three days ago, I arrived at home after competing for the title of Miss California 2018. I had poured everything into my preparation over the course of the past year - waking up at 5am to workout, coming home from work to practice my talent, reading the news and engaging in mock interviews multiple times per week - all with the hope of being in the right place at the right time to score my dream job. The week was amazing, and every ounce of effort and sacrifice was made worth it each time I stepped onstage. I was even honored to place 4th Runner-Up to our new Miss California! The drive home from Fresno was jubilant, seeing my friends and family who showed up to welcome me home was incredible and being greeted back at work with bouquets of flowers, a card, and warm hugs was more than I could ever ask for.
But on that third day, when it was just me, sitting in a room of suitcases and surrounded by piles of clothes, heels, and hairspray, I surprised myself with tears.
In this world there is so much pressure to make everything look perfect, to make every moment look happy, and to make every experience seem easy, breezy, beautiful. Because of this, I rarely give myself the grace to be sad. Crying is a sign of weakness - I even shared with my friends at Miss California that my motto for the week is always "Don't Cry" because I see it as giving away your strength and succumbing to pressure, stress, and fear. But here I was, crying, finally allowing myself to let go of the facade.
For me, the hardest thing about being sad is letting go of the idea that sadness equates to a lack of gratitude. I am SO grateful. My health, my job, my apartment, my support system, my friends - these are gifts that I prayed for and praise God for every day. I've kept a daily gratitude journal for five years - it's a huge part of my identity. It's easy to believe that being sad means that I'm not grateful, but that's not the case. If anything, a little sadness increases our capacity for gratitude because we are reminded of the gifts we have been given.
Another hard thing about being sad is that it often hits like a tidal wave. My tendency is to keep myself so busy that the sadness can't hit. I fill my days with activities, to-do lists, trips, and projects. These things keep me going from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. When a season of busyness passes, much like the one I'm coming out of, I run headfirst into a wall of sadness. All of the sudden, the struggles, wounds, and pain that I have been running away from hit me, hard. Usually, I'm also pretty tired so that doesn't help. When this sadness tidal wave hits, I don't know how to react because I've been so busy running from the emotion that it's completely foreign to me.
The third struggle with sadness is that I know my experience is nothing compared to what other people face daily. I see people around me suffering in unspeakable ways - with loss, pain, and misfortune. How can I be sad when there are people losing their homes, their parents, or their health? This comparison is so deadly because it can make us feel like we aren't worthy of feeling sad. Our experiences aren't meant to be measured up against each other. Just because you're sad about something that's not too big of a deal in the long run doesn't mean that you are trivializing someone else's hurt. If anything, it helps us connect and empathize.
So when we face this sadness, what are we to do? Here's what works for me:
1. Ask for Help
Once I started to cry yesterday, I called my mom and told her I was coming home. I packed a backpack, called an Uber and went to BART. I didn't give myself a minute to mope or wallow - I made a plan and forced myself to move. On the way, I called one of my best friends and shared everything - that I was grateful and happy but still felt sad. She listened, prayed with me, and reminded me that God is always here to console us in our sadness and loneliness.
2. Prioritize Health
All I wanted to do this week was to eat a carton of ice cream and make cookies. After the sadness hit, I threw away the carton of ice cream and gave away my cookies. I went to the store and bought my favorite "real" foods. Then, I scheduled workout classes for the next five days. For me, eating sugar and being lethargic amplifies any emotions - whether it's sadness, stress, frustration, or overwhelm. I'll eat cookies next week, or when I'm around my friends and enjoying ice cream together. Eating ice cream by myself is not going to be constructive. We are all different - think about what you use to numb pain, to avoid unwanted emotions, and take steps to remove it from your life until you can think clearly.
3. Write it Down
This is my most important step. Once I've removed triggers, shared my heart with people I love, and taken steps to be healthy, I journal. I do this while I pray, but you can do it in any way that's most helpful for you. I don't avoid what's making me sad - oftentimes writing it down helps me uncover the real reason that I'm not feeling as happy as I could be. Many times, the cause of my sadness is not the surface-level experience, but rather an old wound or struggle that's coming back up.
I believe life is meant to be lived courageously - and that means we are inevitably going to experience failure, sadness, and disappointment. But a courageous life is a life well lived. These things are worth it if we are growing, learning, and serving. I don't want to live my life in any other way, and I'm accepting that sadness and disappointment will be part of that equation - but so will overwhelming joy, gratitude, confidence, celebration, and love.
I'm happy, grateful, and excited about life. But I know I'm still going to have moments of "what if" and I might get sad. That doesn't take away my joy or my hope. Don't let your moments of sadness take away your hope.
If you're feeling sad, please know that you are not alone. No one has it all together. We are all doing this life and all working through our own challenges - I'm here if you ever need love, a heart-to-heart, or just encouragement. Please never forget how beloved you are.
xo,
Jane
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